How Self-Love Can Heal Your Relationships
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ~Carl Gustav Jung
What is Self Love?
The idea of self-love has been branching out of spiritual circles and becoming more of a mainstream concept. For some, the word is triggering. For others, it’s just another word for self-care. Does it deserve all the eye-rolling it gets?
I understand—it should be obvious that we love ourselves. In fact, if we were the only person on a desert island — we wouldn’t need the word — we’d just be by ourselves as a human being of infinite love.
However, we’re not on that desert island…
Where self-love really comes into play and how we can fully understand its meaning is with our relationships with other people—especially our romantic relationships.
There’s nothing more exciting than falling deeply in love with someone.
Then life happens and as time goes on that perfect person now seems to irritate you and trigger your deepest wounds.
You may or may not know this — but here’s why:
Everyone is a mirror of yourself.
This means that someone else can only trigger a particular part of you if you carry that particular part in your belief system or energy field.
Anything that irritates or triggers us — is actually a part of ourself that needs our love and attention.
“Can you accept the notion that once you change your internal state, you don’t need the external world to provide you with a reason to feel joy, gratitude, appreciation, or any other elevated emotion?” ~Joe Dispenza
We can heal our relationships by healing those part of ourselves that didn’t get the love we needed.
When we’re able to love all parts of ourselves — especially our shadow parts — we are able to be in relationships unconditionally. We’ll no longer need conditions to be different and we won’t be co-dependent on another person for our happiness, acceptance or well-being.
Imagine the freedom that will not only give yourself — but your partner as well. Imagine being the recipient of that kind of love.
The true definition of love is that it is unconditional. We can only practice unconditional love when we become responsible for ourselves.
When I work with my clients on the practice of self-love — they’re able to create fast and immediate transformation in their relationships and with themselves.
“To love yourself, truly love yourself, is to finally discover the essence of personal courage, self-respect, integrity and self-esteem. These are the qualities of grace that come directly from a soul with stamina.” ~Caroline Myss
The power of self-love is the greatest force available to us.
Self-love is being mindful of our emotions.
Self-love is loving those parts of ourselves that we may not want to see.
Self-love is taking care of those younger parts of ourselves that didn’t receive appropriate love.
Self-love is taking care of our grief.
Self-love is discovering who we really are. Not just on the surface, but at our core.
Self-love is setting boundaries.
Self-love is knowing what’s best for ourselves— even though it may not always be best for the people around us.
Self-love is putting our physical, emotional and spiritual well-being first before anything else.
Self-love is asking for help when we need it.
Self-love is receiving help.
Self-love is taking time to just be silent.
Self-love is being patient.
Self-love is speaking kindly to ourselves.
Self-love is forgiving ourselves when we didn’t know better.
Self-love is forgiving ourselves when we did know better.
Self-love is detaching from other people’s needs.
Self-love is noticing when we get triggered and taking the time to tend to our emotions.
Self-love is letting go of what no longer serves us.
Self-love is the confidence to unapologetically be our true selves at all times.
Self-love is respecting ourselves.
Here are 3 powerful ways to work with self-love.
Write down what bothers, irritates or triggers you and how the other person made you feel. Then replace their name with your own.
For example: My partner never seems available to me, he always puts work first. I don’t feel like I’m a priority and this makes me feel unloved.
Substitute with: I’m never available to myself, I always put other things first. Then ask yourself: What am I putting first before taking care of my own needs? Where can I make myself a priority? Where do I need some love? When was this love denied for me in my childhood?
2. Locate the emotion around the trigger. Then notice where it is in your body. Meet that feeling and emotion with acceptance and then hold it with compassion and unconditional love. Try to let go of any story around it.
You’ll find that without a story attached to it — it’s just energy that wants your love so it can release. We often falsely feel that having some story to hold onto is safer than the unknown and letting go.
If you have deep fears and/or traumas, I highly recommend working with a healer or therapist who has undergone their own healing. They’ll be able to help you release this pain and energy safely. (Click here for my website)
3. Meditate. When you give your mind a rest and silence all the family and society conditioning and beliefs that are unconsciously embedded in your psyche — you can reprogram your beliefs and thoughts. Meditation will also help you from reacting when you are triggered. Try to sit it in silence twice a day for 30 minutes. If that’s too much—start with 10 minutes.
“Can you accept the notion that once you change your internal state, you don’t need the external world to provide you with a reason to feel joy, gratitude, appreciation, or any other elevated emotion?” ~Joe Dispenza
Although it takes courage and discipline to practice self-love — the benefits far outweigh the work it takes.
You can expect to feel confident in your decision making, less concerned about the opinions of others, and free from the chains of your partner or other people’s behaviors. You will also notice an ease in all of your relationships.
When you practice self-love you will no longer blame others — you will take full responsibility for how you feel and act. By doing this you will move out of victim mode and become the powerful creator of your life and relationships.
Remember, everything you want emotionally from another person — is actually what you really want for yourself.
Until you are on that desert island—self-love might just be the greatest gift you could give not only to yourself—but to everyone around you.
As Caroline Myss says, “To love yourself, truly love yourself, is to finally discover the essence of personal courage, self-respect, integrity and self-esteem. These are the qualities of grace that come directly from a soul with stamina.”
Photo by Jayson Hinrichsen on Unsplash